blue

I thought a lot on the drive home tonight, and anger started welling up in me.

I think a lot of it is anger toward myself, and toward society, and myself in society. We're given so many opportunities that no one else has, and we take them completely for granted. Tonight I was thinking specifically of education, and how disgusting the system has become. I was frustrated earlier because I was reading the "Avant-garde" article and I had absolutely no context to work with because I know nothing about modern and contemporary art. Then I went to the library, picked up some books about Modernism and started to read, and I realized I had very little context to work with there because I know hardly anything about World War I and Russia and Socialism. I think much of this is my fault because we must have learned it in grade/high school, but I must have crammed for the test and then forgotten all of it after. I was a straight-A student, too, scored in the top 3% on my SATs, and was fairly close to the top of my class. How the hell did I get through high school and emerge with a completely inadequate education and still be near the top of the class?! I feel as though I've been cultivated to be lazy about learning. I have never felt dumb in my life until this year, when I realized I really know a tiny bit about a lot of things and a lot of bits about nothing.

I want to say so much more but I feel as though I've said enough. It's just frustrating because now there's so much catching up to do and it will take a lot of time and concentration, both of which I'm sorely lacking these days...